You’ve Changed, You Know?
As I gleefully prepare to blow my existence up for the umpteenth time in 24 years, let me tell you…
It is not that I woke up one day and just didn’t fit into my life quite right anymore.
It’s not even that I ignored signs along the way.
It’s that one day, it clicks.
One day you pay attention to one of these jokes you just don’t seem to find funny lately. You pay attention to the self depreciating statements you just don’t resonate with anymore. You sit back and listen to what the discussions say; what they actually say, and suddenly it clicks.
Because when the jokes aren’t funny anymore, you interrogate why we’re even laughing, and an uncomfortable lull just settles into the room: what is with you these days? Is something going on? You’re acting all different.
When the self depreciating statements just don’t resonate with you anymore, you interrogate why do these feelings keep coming up and what are we doing about that? And the uncomfortable lull becomes a longer song: you just don’t get it. Also, it’s really not that deep. You’re changing, you know?
And when you pay attention to the discussions and what they say, what they actually say, you ask: why is this what we always talk about? Can we talk about something else? And the uncomfortable song turns to a simple statement: you know what? You’ve changed!
And then it clicks.
“You’ve changed”, in their mouth, is not meant to be positive. It’s not meant to say you’ve grown. It’s not even meant to be an invitation to reintroduce yourself.
It comes as the ultimate confirmation: you can keep trying to redecorate the room, or pack your bags.
When you’re a twenty something, life changes so fast that it is why I always thought coming-of-age media should be about us.
All of a sudden, your friends and even classmates are of various ages and walks of life. Your body changes again and becomes that of an adult. You’re making doctor appointments by yourself now, on the phone even!
Then before you know it, you betray your teenage self’s plans and flip your life upside down. Why did you ever think a sixteen-year-old-you could make decisions for your twenty-four year old self anyway? You’d never even been twenty four at all!
“You’ve changed!” and suddenly, you certainly hope so.
That your jokes have changed, that the way you talk to and about yourself has changed, that your discussions actually say something about who you are and what matters to you. You hope you’ve gotten a bit better at being true to yourself so you don’t fear that statement anymore.
“You’ve changed” is no longer a threat to your stability. It is confirmation that you are not stuck where you used to be.
It clicks.
Hell is no longer other people, because their gaze does not bind you anymore. That seems to be the problem, actually.
It clicks.
You don’t have to grow at the same pace as me, but what do I do if you resent me for where I am in my journey ?
It clicks.
Some people are there for a season, and I’ve never been a fan of pointless sequels.
So no, it is not that one day I woke up and didn’t quite fit into my life anymore.
It’s that for the past years, I’ve worked on being a little kinder to myself. I’ve interrogated why this was the way I spoke to and about me, and sat with the uncomfortable lull that settled into the room.
For the past months, I’ve worked on being a lot kinder to other people. I’ve interrogated why the people I decided to surround myself with spoke to and about themselves a certain way, and sat as the uncomfortable lull turned into a song.
And for the past weeks, I’ve worked on being comfortable with letting people down. I’ve interrogated why being true to myself would ever be disappointing to people that care about me, and sat with the inevitable statement I had to turn from a condemnation to a manifesto.
I’ve changed, I know.
No explanations required.
bfly note: i bet you didn’t expect a substack notification from me today. ha! but i’m back with a vengeance.
for the past months i’ve been trying out new platforms to express my thoughts.
and it would mean a lot if you subscribed actually so i know this bottle at sea is at least hitting a couple of beaches!
(you can also support me on ko-fi if the recession hasn’t gotten you too bad)
i plan on turning some of my writings into little short films whenever i have the time and this will remain a place for streams of consciousness i suppose.
thank you to the people who stayed here and read this and if you made it this far… you like me or something?
well good news if you do! i’m preparing a patreon! free of charge at that. see you soon, here or on whatever platform you catch me on!
Reading this hit close to home in so many ways. Thanks so much for sharing it, I needed it 🩵
What a joy to receive this in my inbox after a long day!! 💜