Bfly Note #1 : Committing to yourself
12.01.2021 : About Self-Betrayal
Stand in your Light © BFLY | On Instagram | Print
Thank you for joining me on my journey, and wherever you are in yours, I thought we’d start with what I consider to be a fundamental principle, that makes a huge difference especially when you decide to start being more active in your healing.
12.01.2021
Committing to yourself
Being limited in how much results we could produce but also in how many distractions we could have in the past two years, has made many, including myself, think of where we get our self-esteem from, how we deal with emotional situations and discomfort, and when we started being the way we are– or thinking the way we do.
A lot of us had pandemic epiphanies, resolutions, goals, new hobbies (even when short-lived) and connections that may have never happened, had it not been for these special circumstances.
When I realized I kept failing at keeping up with strict routines, kept failing at feeling fulfilled with the company I kept, and that eventually a lot of hobbies became sources of stress because I felt I needed to absolutely keep practicing since I had the time to— I realized what the core issue behind my dissatisfaction, and the guilt it continuously bred, really was.
I was committing to everything but myself.
The efforts I was supposed to be making to be healthier, to be better, all that was supposed to be for myself was me committing to a routine instead of committing to myself.
If my routine was meant to make me feel better, why did I instantly feel guilty and blamed myself when I didn’t have the energy to check something off a list ?
How did it make sense that, choosing rest when I clearly needed to, felt like laziness, because I wasn’t keeping up with a routine that was supposed to be about self-care?
Was I present while practicing the new habits that were meant to improve my lifestyle, or was I just holding my breath all day until I could complete a list?
I decided to pause and observe, and from reflecting on my routine to reflecting on my relationships and my choices, I discovered just how subtly one habit was setting the tone for everything else : self-betrayal.
Self-betrayal easily disguises itself as sacrifice. It tells you if you’re unable to sacrifice these hours of sleep to get up and do xyz, you’re not committed to improving, and you’re not disciplined. Or that if you’re unable to be here for people, even when you have ran out of resources, then you’re not a good friend, sibling, child, or even maybe person.
Self-betrayal looks extremely natural, in a world where strong boundaries are rarely taught, and it quickly bleeds into all areas of your life before you notice it.
Ex. : Because you keep betraying yourself for others and you think these are just sacrifices you should be happy to make, suddenly you’re selfish. Because you’re selfish, you do not deserve too much affection. Because you’re selfish and do not deserve affection, you need to work harder to keep people around. Because you’re working so hard to keep people around, maybe love just does not come naturally to you. Because love does not come naturally to you, maybe you’re just unlovable.
Self-betrayal works fast.
Even trying to detangle your own thought patterns can quickly send you down a slippery slope, especially when you catch yourself doing something you’ve consciously decided not to do anymore, because you should know better now.
These days, the only thing I find myself thinking I should do, is check in and recommit to myself.
Of course, we’re all at very different parts of our journeys and all of us fall off the wagon once in a while. You will, even after many more epiphanies. You’re always gonna hear this and it’s because it is worth reiterating : healing isn’t linear.
So with this first note, I invite you to take time and think of the ways you betray yourself, regularly, before you decide to commit to yourself.
Is it when you agree to do something for someone else even though you don’t have the time, energy or resources?
When you let this person drain you by constantly giving them the space to rant and be negative around you? Or when you let your choices be guided by what makes others most comfortable, instead of being guided by what is best for you ?
Unlearning these habits will take time, but start with identifying them and then making a conscious decision to commit to yourself. Before making a decision, pause and ask yourself if it aligns with what you want to cultivate in your life.
You most likely will continue to discover evidence of self-betrayal even after you’ve decided to commit to yourself, and when you do, having compassion for yourself is the best way to renew the vows you’ve made to yourself.
Bloom © BFLY | On Instagram | Print
Journal prompts
I’ve gotten into a habit of betraying myself -in ____ (ex: relationships, work)- by _______
From now on I will commit to myself and decide to ___________ instead.
Spend a day examining your routine, and how each step of it makes you feel. What causes you stress? What does your routine say about your priorities?
Write vows to yourself. How will you try to show up for yourself from now on?
(Note : this is not a goals list or a new routine. This is a moment for you to think of how you will give yourself the gift of grace and a safer space.)
PS ; If you do not have a journal yet, don’t worry. Notes apps, and just about anything will do. Do not rush when answering these questions either, take your time.
Your song : Outro: Her – BTS
I’ll leave you with this, until our next chat!