Bfly Note #5 : Five more minutes…. Slow Dancing In A Burning Room
“Don’t you think we oughta know by now... Don’t you think we shoulda learned, somehow?”
I know I have to leave.
I knew I’d have to leave.
But I stayed, I held on, and tried my hardest to change the circumstances so I wouldn’t have to.
The circumstances didn’t change.
I took a step back, decided to change my outlook on things: maybe I could live with this.
I couldn’t live with it.
I waited for a miracle, I delayed, I bargained for five more minutes. Maybe this was the storm before the calm.
It wasn’t. Sometimes the storm is just a storm.
If one can have faith in the idea that chaos can transform into something good, why not have faith in the idea good things are already out there waiting for you?
Grief/Waiting © BFLY | Instagram | Shop
When you’ve already learned to offer yourself grace for lapses in judgment, when you’ve already accepted healing isn’t linear, and when you’ve reached a place that is stable enough for you to break down and know for a fact that you’ll put yourself back together… you realize.
You realize that even when you’re not healing alone, healing is lonely.
It is lonely to walk away because you know you cannot love someone into choosing themselves before they’re ready to do so.
It is lonely to look at someone and know that the pieces won’t fit even if you try your hardest to rearrange the puzzle.
And it is the loneliest thing in the world to watch someone you love let fear take up space in their life that you wish you’d occupy.
It takes practice to choose yourself, decisively, every single time, especially when choosing yourself feels like giving up.
I hope you don’t forget that giving up decisively also counts as courage” – Burn It (ft. MAX) – Agust D
“I don’t know what circumstances you were in, but I think you must have had tremendous courage. Giving something up decisively takes lots of courage. And, you’ve worked hard.” SUGA’s KKUL FM 06.13 on April 25, 2020
Sometimes you’ll resent yourself for not succeeding in taking over a situation that is outside of your control, or you’ll even resent others for their fears, when they're not meeting you halfway.
But that’s not fair either.
A scarcity mindset will teach you to hold on to what you believe is all you’ll ever get.
Then even when you release that, you’ll still try to hold on to the closest you ever got.
Ultimately, you will still know, when it’s not enough.
You will still know that love doesn’t require so much struggle, and that even when your heart loves sincerely, it is fear that makes you hold on to what you know will never help you cultivate the peace you deserve.
It is familiarity that makes you replay the same scenarios again and again, hoping this time the person you wish to cast in a particular role, will finally want to audition for the right one.
It is a genuine desire for healing that makes you hope the ending will be different, even when you’ve already seen that movie a thousand times.
Once upon a time you thought you would never get over this, you could never do it without that, you would never be able to live without them.
You thought that, maybe, this is what kills you – and maybe it almost did, but in the end, it didn’t.
Because even when you don’t feel as strong , you still are that strong.
Eventually, I’ve come to show myself grace for the moments I almost resent my growth.
It is not pretty, it is not easy, and sometimes it just frankly feels embarrassing to pursue someone or something relentlessly when you see no progress– but it takes time to learn how to redirect your energy to the right places.
Especially when feeling terribly about it, when you want to give it one last shot, when your heart can’t make sense of any other scenario; but in the end, you learn.
Practice choosing yourself, then one day you’ll realize you used to spend five more minutes in that burning room, and now you stay for three. Then two. Then one.
Until you see the flames before even opening the door, and you’re not tempted at all to go anywhere near it.
Your actions will change your thoughts, your thoughts will change your feelings, and the burning room that once felt like home will become a foreign place.
Journal prompts :
What is the story you tell yourself when you convince yourself to stay when you shouldn’t?
What do you think are the differences between letting go vs giving up? – Are they the same? Is one more acceptable than the other?
Can you think of times you were glad you left? What do you wish you had done differently back then?
What do you wish is waiting for you out there?
A song for you : slow dancing in a burning room – john mayer (covered by joseph solomon)
Until next time!
Bfly